On Fridays I try to get extra cleaning and sometimes cooking help. On the one hand, this is really great as I really need the help, but on the other hand, I realize that my kids are not as involved in getting the house ready for Shabbos as I'd like them to be.
So this past Friday morning, I sat down with the crew and with a pen and paper asked each kid what they would like to do to help get the house ready for Shabbos.
Surprisingly, the kids jumped at the opportunity to either make a dish or set up the candles or do something that they would like to do. And now there is no going back.
I made this cute "My Special Shabbos Job" chart to put up, I laminated it and now every Friday morning, we will write each childs name and the job they will be doing to help get the house ready for Shabbos. And this does not include cleaning their bedrooms- that's a given!
So here is the chart, feel free to print and enjoy~
In honor of my Hebrew birthday which was this last Shabbos, here are 36 things I've learnt in 36 years (in no particular order):
1. If something doesn't work, change it to make it work
2. Marriage is hard. Make it work
3. A best friend is one of the best gifts Hashem can give a person 4. Motherhood is so much harder, but so much better than I could have ever imagined 5. Most things/issues in life can be fixed 6. Travel and create as many memories as you possibly can before you get married, it's always fun to look back and tell your kids about your adventures 7. Boundaries are imperative in your life. 8. It's okay to say no. There are lots of nice ways of saying no 9. Having faith is not easy but when you do it will carry you through all sorts of situations 10. Dentists are not as scary as we think 11. When we let go of trying to control everything in our lives, amazing things begin to happen 12. Every problem has a solution 13. The only perfection in the world is Hashem (G-d) 14. Music is very inspirational 15. Going away by myself once a year is one of the biggest gifts my husband can give me and i encourage every mother to do it if possible 16. Be proactive, not reactive 17. There's a strength in asking for help when you need it, emotional help, physical help, any type of help 18. There are so many wonderful people in the world, make it your mission to have them part of your life 19. Being organized is a life long mission 20. Learning Chassisic Philosophy is one of my favorite things in the world to do 21. Some dreams come true without us even realizing it 22. It takes a lot more then Palm trees and gorgeous surroundings to make you happy, although warm weather does help! 23. Seize every opportunity you can to learn positive lessons from people 24. If you have a passion for something, try incorporate it into your day to day life, it will make you happy 25. Being a mother is the greatest thing on earth 26. You need to take time to make time 27. Don't wait for the world to be quiet to get things done, there's no time like the present 28. Do things that make you happy 29. Listen to music that makes you happy whenever you can, blare it in the house to spread the good mood 30. We can start over everyday, and sometimes many times within the day (from Rabbi Nachman) 31. Inspiration doesn't last but roll with it while you are on that high 32. Family comes first, always 33. Don't multi task- when doing something, do it fully then move on to the next 34. Life is hard, but life is also very beautiful 35. Take responsibility for your actions, own your stuff and humble yourself when you mess up 36. We have a limited time here on earth, Hashem chose each of us to be here so make the most of it HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Divine providence has brought an amazing woman into my life. Her
name is Julie Katz and she is a Nurtured Heart Parenting Coach. You can read up all about
her here and here.
After speaking with Julie a few times, and implementing her parenting strategies, my husband and I literally would just gape at each other in shock every time something she told us to do actually worked. And the results were immidiate. Life changing. Family changing. I wanted to call every parent I know and tell them about this incredible apporach to parenting, the Nurtured Heart Approach.
I will warn you though- It is a huge amount of work on our
part. Huge. But if you are willing to work it, you will be truly amazed. Your entire family dynamic will shift and your home will be a very healthy and happy home. I will do my best to give over as much information that I got from Julie as I can, but I truly feel that we should all do a Webinar with her. She is incredible.
What I have learned from Julie is this: Kids need our attention. They need our energy. They don’t care
if its good energy or bad energy, but they need to know that we are paying
attention to them.
When kids are doing what they are supposed to be doing:
behaving, speaking nicely, being kind, they really don’t get much attention
from us. Think about it. I mean when was the last time you told your child how competent they were because they did their school work without complaining about it. Or how appreciative you are of their good behavior on a random afternoon.
Its when they start acting up that all of a sudden they get
their dose of moms energy. Its not that they want to annoy us or make us angry,
they just want us to give them some of our energy. And acting up is usually an instant
winner to grab our attention.
"Stop hitting your sister!” “How many times do I need to ask
you to brush your teeth?!” “If you say that word again you are going to your
room!” “Stop doing that!”
Smile if you are guilty of saying any of the above.
We all are.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
After realizing that all my kids need is my energy, by
giving it to them in positive small doses through out the day, so much acting
up has been avoided.
We have found that ‘catching’ them doing good things and
showing them that we recognize it, it waters their energy garden.
Its about noticing things that usually go unnoticed or unrecognized. Its about telling your kids, "you are worthy of my time, you will
get just as much juicy energy out of me by behaving and keeping the rules.”
Here are some examples:
“David, I see how nicely and quietly you are sitting and
“Sara, I appreciate how you have kept your bedroom so clean
today. You really are a great example to your siblings on how to keep a clean
“Rachel, I see how nicely you are speaking to your little sister.
You are very kind.”
“Yossi, thank you for brushing your teeth right away without
any reminders. This shows me you are very responsible. ”
“Chana, I really love how nicely you are playing with your toys.”
We are not telling our kids how amazing they are and how
brilliant they are. We are simply recognizing ordinary behavior and giving it
some of our positive energy.
That’s Step 1.
Now Step 2 is a bit more challenging.
Here are some scenarios:
-David hits/bites/punches/kicks (fill in the blank) Yossi
and he starts crying
- Rachel calls her sister a name
-Chana rolls her eyes at you
-Yossi refuses to clean his mess
-Sara says a bad word at the table
Remember- its all about OUR energy. Do not reward your child
with your energy when they don’t deserve it.
So this is how we discipline using the Nurtured Heart
1: In a very straight and unemotional tone, tell the child
who acted up: “You need a time out/reset. Leave the room.” Then continue doing
what you were doing. If another kid was involved, shower them with your attention.
“Are you okay?” “I am proud of you for not hitting back.” Energize the child
who did not break the rules, not the one who did.
2: Once you and the ‘rule breaker’ have cooled down, go talk
to them, one on one. Have a Heart to Heart. Compliment them on how they left the
room right away when you asked without arguing. Listen to their side of the story.
Help them figure out a different action to take if they are in the same situation
again. You are here to help them grow and manage frustrating situations.
3: At the same time, they need to know there are consequences
for their actions. Whatever consequence you see fit- take away favorite toy for the day, no screen time etc.
but make sure it is immediate, not ‘no nosh on Shabbos’ which is 3 days away.
4: Once they feel heard and have a consequence, they now
need to make it right. They need to fix what they did. If they made a mess, they
need to clean it up. If they hurt
someone, they need to apologize and do something nice for them- help them clean
their room, say some nice words, let them brain storm something nice that they
can do to ‘make things right.’
It is a lot of work on our part, but it works.
Believe me, there are times when the last thing I feel like
doing is being civil to the kid who just threw their food on the floor because they
don’t like the green things in the pasta sauce. But take 10 deep breathes in
and consider it an investment into your child and family sanity.
the book where all this wisdom comes from:
And this one:
If you would be interested in having a Webinar or Q&A with Julie, please let me know and we will make it happen.
I just cannot begin to tell you how this approach has transformed our lives.
By no means are my kids perfect little angels now, but we have created a dialog in our family and a go-to strategy each time a situation comes up.
I have my moments when I'm exhausted and I yell, but thats just a reminder that I am human and the Nurtured Heart Approach takes lots of patience, a lot of work and lots of practice and we are so committed to making it work.
Catching my kids doing something good and acknowledging them for it has transformed our days. I find them now coming to me to show me the good solution they came up with to an issue they had. I find them coming to me to help them deal with a situation with a sibling when in the past they would have been beating each other up because they simply did not have the tools to deal with their issue.
It is truly amazing. For the sake of your family, just try it.
You know that saying, 'too much of something is never good'?
Well, I must disagree.
In my humble opinion, you can have too many toys, too many games, too much nosh and too much stuff.
But there is one thing I think you can never have too much of:
Books. Good books.
If you are going to make one investment into your kids homeschooling journey, I say buy books, books and more books. A home filled with books is a gorgeous home.
Having said that, Feldheim has sent me 4 adorable books to enjoy, review and share with you- enjoy:
Shuki's Upside-Down Dream
By Yaffa Ganz
Did you ever have a funny dream? How about a topsy-turvy, upside-down dream? After Shuki protests elderly Aunt Esther's upcoming visit, he has a very strange dream that helps him see things in a whole new way. This important "wake-up call" turns Aunt Esther's visit into a special time. This classic book by Yaffa Ganz has been reprinted with new illustrations to help children of today's generation with the mitzvah of respecting the elderly.
We Can Do Mitzvos Around the Jewish Year
By Yael Zoldan
Jewish children can be part of the action as they join their parents and get involved in the holidays! With lively rhymes and vivid illustrations, We Can Do Mitzvos Around the Jewish Year tells what each Yom Tov is all about, showing mitzvos that kids can do on each of these special days.
Around the Clock: A Jewish Child Learns to Tell Time
By Aviva Werner
When a child becomes curious about clocks and time-telling, Around the Clock is the perfect place to start! In this beautifully illustrated book, author Aviva Werner and artist Avi Katz team up to capture the essence of a day in the life of a Jewish child. Page by page, children will love learning to recognize the hour hand on the clock and how it relates to their own day.
Good Shabbos, Benny!: A Young Boy's Countdown to Shabbos
By Chani Fischman
What's Benny counting? His Shabbos clothes, of course! Benny can't wait to get dressed for Shabbos. Join him as he hangs an additional piece of clothing on his bed each night. And when the most special day of the week finally arrives, you can be the very first one to wish Benny, "Good Shabbos"!
My kids absolutely LOVED these books, we read all four before bedtime tonight and I could not recommend them enough.
Your kids deserve a home filled with good Jewish books, it is worth every penny. Get started!
I was so overwhelmed, sleep deprived, exhausted, emotional and terrified, but I was so busy taking care of my kids that I didn't really get a chance to truly get in touch with how I was feeling. I was in survival mode.
Interestingly enough, one of the biggest difficulties for me was the comments and looks I would get from strangers when I was out with the kids. This irked me to my inner core.
'Wow, you have your hands full!' Really? Thanks so much for letting me know, all this time I thought my life was so easy, but now that you have notified me that my hands are full, I will be able to move on with my day. And the whole response of 'Oh you should see my heart'- I really don't need to justify to you, perfect stranger, how full my heart is. My hands are full and I'm overwhelmed. Stop rubbing it in. I would politely smile and go,'I know, right?'
'Are they all yours?' No, I found some stray kids in the parking lot, threw them into my shopping cart and asked a friend if I could bring a few of her kids with me to the super market cos theres nothing better then shopping with lots of kids, especially if some of them arn't even yours.
'How do you do it?' Well, you see I have this manual that tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. So its pretty simple. I just follow the instructions.
People would actually count out loud, as if I had no idea how many kids I had brought with me.
These experiences and comments really bothered me. I blamed society and how judgmental people are of moms with lots of kids. Everywhere I went I felt like I was being judged as an overwhelmed mom who had no control over her life.
But- in actual truth, that's how I felt. I was overwhelmed and I often felt like I had no control of what was going on around me. And that is what I thought the world thought of me because little did I know it, but that is what I was projecting.
Fast forward a few years. The kids are growing up, and so am I. I have learned so much about life as a mother, a wife and as a human being in general.
Granted, I have more time for myself and after many difficult and guilt ridden years, I finally realized how much my family gains when I truly take care of myself in all areas of my life.
I read the most gorgeous quote on Instagram today by a fellow mom with lots of little ones:
The way you feel is projected onto those around you. Even newborn babies can sense when we are stressed.
My older kids had some birthday and Chanukah money they had saved up and we decided to go to the store today so they can all get something.
They got their shoes, grabbed a snack and buckled themselves into the car. I grabbed my ice tea and fig bar and off we went, everyone bopping to the music as they were all discussing what they hoped to find at the store. Even the little ones were in on the conversation.
We got to the store, I immediately stuck the little ones in the shopping cart and we headed straight to the toy section. The older kids were all busy looking through the Legos and My Little Ponies while I grabbed a few flashy singing toys for the little ones to play with to keep them busy.
Everyone found something, all smiles, and we headed to the checkout. My 5 year old grabbed a candy bar and asked if he could have it. I told him if he found a Kosher sign on it then we could discuss it. He didn't find the sign so he put it right back, no questions asked. The lady behind me complimented me on my well behaved kids. And no, my kids are no more well behaved then yours, but my kids know that we only eat Kosher so its really no big deal to put it back.
Then a lady in the next isle looks over and goes, 'are you the nanny or the mom cos you don't look a day over 25!' Ha! I gave her a smile and told her I was the very proud mom.
You see, we all go through that overwhelming stage. Where we wonder how on earth we will ever get through this.
But guess what? We NEED to go through that because that's the only way we can turn into the strong and awesome moms that we become.
I don't remember exactly when the shift happened, but one day I realized that when I go out with my kids, I am just SO proud to be the mom of these awesome people! I walk onto the playground with my camera ready to capture these kiddos in action. I thank Hashem everyday that they are so close in age and everywhere we go they have each other to keep company. And I guess that pride shows because the comments I get show it.
The comments I get now are more like, 'They're so lucky they have each other!' 'Its so nice to have a big family' 'Whats your secret to making it look so easy?' 'How are you so calm?'
People are in awe. Not pity.
So while I am sure there are many of you with lots of little ones who get those pitiful looks and annoying comments, hang in there! We have all been there and we get how annoying it is- and things will change. Things will get so much better that not only will you feel great but the people around you will feel it too.
If you do not have an early childhood Alef Beis Curriculum, Click Here and get Alef is for Apple right now.
You will receive a 55 page workbook where each Hebrew letter is connected to English words that begin with that sound. Alef is for Apple. Beis is for Box. Gimmel is for Glasses etc.
The reason I love this idea is that as much as I would love my kids to learn Hebrew at a young age, my four year old simply does not relate to the fact that a house in Hebrew is a Bayit, so coloring a house on a page with a Beis does not really do much for them.
On the other hand, if you look at the example page above, my 5 year old can literally zoom through the book on his own and loves the independence.
And that is just the beginning.
You will receive a bag filed with miniatures that are connected to each letter. On the previous photo we have a small bag of Glitter to glue on the Gimmel. A bag of Buttons for Beis, Ducks for Daled, Crayons for Kaf and so on.
This all makes sense to the little ones and its hands on as they get to glue each bag of goodies onto each letter as they learn it.
And this all comes together in one package. The book and bag of miniatures.